the other we had a really good chapel speaker by the name of father greg boyle. he is the founder of homeboy industries, which gives recovering gang members a place to work and what not. the bulk of his message was on showing kindness and how the best thing we as humans could ever do for one another would be to return people to themselves. if we were created in His image, and His image is good, therefore we are good. somewhere we lose that. so according to father boyle, the best thing we can do is to remind people that they are already that image that is good.

then there’s the nursing program. i’ve been observing some of the people in my clinical group and some just exude kindness. with them and some people i’ve come into contact with, you can just see it in their eyes. it’s almost as if their kindness comes from a place so deep down and wells up at their eyes. and the most i think about it, the more i want exactly that. i really don’t need to be the smartest most brilliant nurse, i just want to strive to be a kind, compassionate one.

with a positive there’s the negative. and with everything else, there’s the inverse. so the inverse of being kind, would be excluding people from this circle of kindness.  so before i can strive for the positive, i guess i can aim for not doing the negative.

RaChaEl RoZ. bless her heart. never thought i would ever sit down and ask her for advice. we just bitch at each other and love it. but not tonight. she reminded me that grace can come from understanding. then that gave me a flashback to another convo, where grace was extended prior to understanding. i guess with this person i’m going to try that out. to extend grace before understanding. i have a feeling it’s going to hurt. but thinking about it now, something/someone must have hurt them so bad for them to be so abrasive and not to care.

i really don’t understand why people would flock to a person like this though. that just boggles my mind.

people have been blogging about change. when i came back from break there was change. and i am a little disheartened with what change i see. i’m just reminded of how some metals need to have impurities burned off before the purest and most perfect product can be exposed. i feel like things are that way. i really do feel like i’m distancing myself from certain people/situations/things on purpose not because i want to, but because i’m just so put off by them/it.

pms rant. right here.

i shared this with the team two days ago and not a day goes by where i’m just in wonder of it all.

hello my himmies! i have a feeling this is going to be long. haha. and i really dislike typing out long things people might feel obligated to read. but when God reveals a tiny bit of Himself and things to come, it would be rather counter productive to His work if i failed to share it with you guys. again, i particularly don’t enjoy “speaking up and speaking out”. but here i go anyways. and respond (or not) as you wish.this might be a personal revelation or one for the team, but regardless, i’m hoping it will serve to encourage. today i attended liturge and worship at the end went a bit over. as i was praying and worshiping one of lyrics sung over the chapel really resonated in my heart of hearts regarding this trip this summer. it was “we’ll climb this mountain with our arms wide open.” and when that was sung i immediately thought, “HIMALAYAS!” whether the “mountain” be a figurative or literal one, i was just reminded of the spiritual posture i (or we) are to take to do a work that is so much bigger than ourselves. and so much bigger than we could ever dream of accomplishing. but to have arms open for Him to give or even to take as He pleases. i mean, after all, it seems to be His work that we so underservingly partake in.

last thing. it might just be me, but sometimes i see something so wonderful and so beautiful that just points to the Creator. i don’t know how many of y’alls were in liturge tonight, but from where i was standing i could see QUITE a few members of the team. and i saw such joy, honesty, and beauty in your worship that brought me to my knees and then to tears. i just want to express what an honor for me it is to serve alongside my peers/big brothers/ big sisters who love our LORD so much.

okay that was ridiculous. and long.

press on,
jsy

here’s my pre-retreat ramble. just so i know where i’m at at the end of it all. i feel good. i feel great. i feel like crap. point is, i’m feeling rather lost as for where i stand. let’s be real, for me this retreat kind of popped out of nowhere. and i haven’t really given much thought about it either. and now it’s like BOOM up the mountain you go.

indifference towards something. i think that’s the most dangerous. because you don’t care, you won’t expect much. because you don’t expect much, you won’t be looking for much. because you’re not looking for much, you won’t get much. “get” in all senses of the word. then whatever this “something” is, will become the biggest waste of time there ever was.

if there’s one thing i’ll be looking for from this retreat. would be prepping me for the summer. in terms of receiving  a word, and “cleaning my pipe out” and what not.

but again, we serve a God who thinks He’s God. so above all, i’m going with an open mind.

boats in the AK. i got this printed on some nice semi board also. i wish i had more money to throw at prints.

a friend just wrote a blog about some sin that was just gripping his life and consuming him. and this is going to sound awful, but it’s a scary moment when you read of someone else’s struggle and you realize, they are exactly your own. exactly your own in every sense. then there’s that moment of fear that kind of grabs at the pit of your stomach. it’s an irrational fear that people will find out what you struggle with is the same as his. why is that fear there? i have no idea. didn’t i already find out for myself that contrary to the fear of judgement and condemnation, i only found freedom?

it’s way too late at night, or early in the morning to be blogging. but fork. i really need to “clean my pipe out” before going to himalayas.

last word. i dislike holidays because a) i usually get sick b) i can no longer use busyness as an excuse for oblivion to things i’d rather not deal with.

my parents everyone. meet daddy w and mama j. i printed this picture out on some semi board as a christmas gift to both of them. and i really couldn’t wait until christmas to give it to them, so i gave it to them last night. my dad’s first reaction was, “YES! i am taller!” spoken like a true sy through and through. i just love this picture of both of them. my mom put it over the piano where something of thomas kinkade used to hang. and last night as i was sitting on the couch in the family room, i saw my mom standing in front of it for a good amount of time. staring. contemplating. i think i now know what she saw.

she saw a young wife leaving everything she’s ever known to move to a new country. a new country of new life, of new hope, and of new love, and the unknown. it’s really ironic how the fruit of a journey can sometimes be expressed in a moment. and i think she saw that moment here. a moment of love shared between two souls meant to grow old together.

my gosh how i miss writing and things not related to science. science is great and all, but it can never expose the layers of the human heart the way art can. i finished a really good book today. “the help” in case anyone was wondering. i don’t plan on watching the movie, in case anyone was also wondering about that. stockett writes in a very precise, simple manner that kind of grabs your heart and doesn’t quite let go. only words can do that to a person, for me at least.

i’m still rather delirious with joy at finishing this semester the way i did. as ironic as it sounds, i finished it the way i did by very little of my own means. it really was this collective mix of people (God is a given) that really pulled me along. they pulled and tugged even when i didn’t want to go on. and to think it’s only been semester one of college and i haven’t even started semester one of nursing.

i have one hell of a journey ahead of me. and who is to say each step isn’t going to beautiful? and oh yeah, i guess i’m going to the himalayas.

i am just obsessed with the genius of justin vernon. just obsessed. a little with bon iver, a little with his self record, and A LOT with deyarmond edison.

and i am alive! 5 finals in two days is just brutal. just saying. the past few days have just been draining physically, emotionally, and mentally. now that the academic stress is somewhat over, the emotional stress still remains. please forgive the vagueness of the statements i am about to make. but here it goes and read into it however way you like.

my stay here at apu has been nothing but a huge blessing dumped onto me. it’s so easy to call the good things blessings, but when difficult situations arise, calling those instances blessings become more difficult. more difficult, but they are what they are. blessings. difficult situations never fail to wear the spirit down and not going to lie, that’s happened a few times this week. i’m worn down, but i feel more alive than ever. it’s through these times  i have seen the beauty of the people i so undeservingly call my friends. so thank you for the inconvenience. thank you for testing my patience. and thank you for showing me the good people are capable of showing through showing the opposite. at this point, i honestly don’t care who thinks what. i recognize my many flaws i am completely at peace with the person i am and am becoming.

i never really figured this out until now. but it’s so reassuring knowing that we serve an omniscient God. we never have to worry about how things are presented to Him and if He really sees the truth because He knows already. He knows how things really are. He knows how things will be.  and that’s really the only opinion i really answer to.  so keep talking because the view is good from up here.

I want the joy of the Lord to come now
I want the joy of the Lord to fall now
I want the joy of the Lord in my life

I want the joy of the Lord lift me
I want the joy of the Lord change me
I want the joy of the Lord in my life

Its time I started dancing over all these graves
Its time I gave you all my God the highest place
Its time I lift my voice
and beg for His blessing to fall

if one song could sum up how i feel that would be it. joy seems to be the only cure for chronic disappointment. but again, i mean joy not to be mistaken for happiness because they are indeed two very separate entities.

i can’t put my stamp on this phenomenal picture because i didn’t take this picture. but sarah klapp did. and i edited it. so there.

tonight was just one of those nights. that came out really bad. but it was one of those nights that was ordained, nothing less and nothing more. i took a break from hw to watch “crazy, stupid, love” with the girls from 4th cause my eyes were crossing from staring at the comp for so long. afterwards we had a spontaneous longboarding session with britton, lex, rach, abby, and christine.  which was just great because the air and the fellowship was exactly what i needed. but then it gets better. someone started talking about the stars and how astronomy in the Bible coincide with prophesy written years before these stars would be shifted and placed to fulfill exactly that. i honestly don’t remember the details of the conversation besides how just freaking awesome things are orchestrated by intelligent design and not by chance. then we talked about Heaven and how there will be no more tears, no more pain, and no more shame. the six of us circled around with our longboards and scooters and just talked about our Father and how His control is complete perfection. no earthly words can describe how i felt during that time outside in adam’s lot. i was just reminded of how small children see the world and how they simply marvel at it. they marvel at the creation, then inevitably marvel at the Creator. the simplicity of the wonder that often comes hand in hand with marveling at something so much greater than yourself just hits me a different way every time. tonight we were those small children. sitting, marveling at the wonder of it all.

we talked about how the stars and everything were ordained and placed in their course and in their place. and being me, a puddle of feelings, i said “we are the stars.” as elementary as it sounds it was just so true. the six of us were ordained and placed to share that sacred moment with each other. for what reason, i don’t know.

the sacredness of that moment still leaves me with that feeling of “fullness of the heart”. we are essentially the creation who at the core cannot help but worship the Creator. and tonight that worship took the form of marveling at other creations made and orchestrated in their places. other things created, like us.

at the end i jokingly said that we should sing or something silly like that for closure. then lexi makes a good call and says that we should pray/huddle up and for some reason i had the honor of doing so. i vaguely remember what i prayed over us, but those really weren’t my words. i don’t know how my Father feels about me proclaiming, “GOD YOU’RE JUST SO FUCKING AMAZING.” and using various expletives while praying, but i honestly could not think of any other way to express this immense joy and contentment i felt. it just baffles me how each of us were brought from our respective hometowns, out of dark places, and with debate, even out of death to share that moment with each other.

that was long. that was word/feeling vomit. and once again, i am so blessed. so undeservingly blessed. God is good and God is real.

today i awkwardly stumbled into a conversation people were having. it was honestly super unclear whether they wanted me to stay or go. which also made things really awkward. but the speaker made it clear that my presence was tolerable. the rest of them…not so sure haha.

it was basically the male perspective on something my friends and i have struggled with at one point or another. after hearing this new perspective everybody in the room made comments and what not on his story. i really wanted to say something good, about it all and ask questions, but i was just left cold. not cold because of his story, but cold because i was reliving the last year of pain and hurt felt by me or others. by the end i was shaking. I’m glad the room was dark and people couldn’t really see what was happening to me.

i don’t really know where i am going with this post. but all i know is that I’m left a bit shaken hearing the other perspective. shaken, but I’m glad i heard it. my head and now my heart are definitely at a difference place than when we began.