You take my mourning, turn it into dancing

You take my weeping, turn it into laughing

You take my sadness, turn it into joy

You make all things new

i am restored.  i really couldn’t think of a creative title. but here it is.  i want the world to hear my testimony. of how good and great God is. i want to give Him all the glory He deserves. and the best way really, is to show people how He has been working through me life. this retreat has been AMAZING!!!!!! no earthly words could really describe how much it impacted my life. there’s just so much to tell, so i’ll really zone on in on like the “main points”. cause really soooooo much happened and for me to tell it all would be completely mind blowing and time consuming :)

 as many of you people know i was on a mission trip this summer with vision. it was soooooo amazing. God was so there and when i came back to the united states, i felt so on fire. i wanted EVERYONE to know about God and what He did out there. after the first few months back, i just crashed.  my relationship with my parents went down the drain. i knew that they loved and cared for me. but the thing is, the different culture and society we grew up in really put us on different planets. i also knew that they didn’t mean to be harsh with me. but just some of the things they said really hurt me. i understand that if i mess up and school i’ll get yelled at for it. if i mess up in ybook i’ll get yelled at. even in tennis. the last place i expected to get yelled at was at home. instead, it became the place where i was the most stressed. over the past few months things really sucked. i felt so far away from God. it was to a point where i told Him that i wanted to go Home. that i wanted to be with Him already. don’t get me wrong, i wasn’t about to take my life, but i really couldn’t take living anymore. after a series of near death experiences i realized that God didn’t want me Home just yet. that made me furious. cause life sucked and i couldn’t escape it. as my life at that point grew darker and darker, so did my relationship with my parents. the stuff they said to me just cut deeper and deeper. it seemed like everything i did wasn’t good enough. every time i got lectured and yelled at, i felt less and less human. i felt like i didn’t matter to them anymore. at a time i even felt that they cared and loved my sister more than me. as this relationship worsened so did my behavior. i would walk out of the house during fights and throw things around. it was to a point where my behavior became destructive. i knew that i wasn’t being a good role model for my sister and i felt so alone. i remember looking at myself in the mirror angry. and saw in my reflection that my anger had turned into the deepest and darkest hatred there was. i also couldn’t look at my parents because i would either start bawling or feel like hitting them.  all these things took me further and further away from God.

 as this retreat came into sight, i prayed for it. i really wanted to see God change the lives of my generation. i came with expectation. even though i didn’t know what at that time, i just knew God was going to do something big and i was going to be there. during friday’s session, our speaker told us that baggage would hinder our relationship with God. which totally was an OUCH moment for me. so i stood up and went to the front and just fell on my knees. i wanted to let go of all the baggage that had been dragging me down. i was bawling even before i hit the ground. all those months of resentment, loathing, and hurt started to come out. then our speaker, sabastian huynh told us about how people bond and grow closer through pain. after sharing with my small group about my struggles, i felt the healing process being started. it was so painful for me to relive the hurtful words said, but it was necessary in order to futher my relationship with God. my resentment for the people that gave life to me was what was keeping me from the Father. i can’t go before Him and worship Him when in my heart i have murdered times and times over. last night, while pastor dan said how the Heavenly Father sees things our earthly fathers don’t. and that He continued to pursue me while i backed away. that just broke me down.  i realized that my connection and loyalty did not belong to my parents, but to my Heavenly Father. the only perfect parent there is. after a series of rather divine appointments i saw what needed to be done. it’s going be ugly, but it’s going to be so worth it. my allegiance isn’t to the things of this earth, but to the things above.

 this retreat also showed me how people really do bond through pain and sufferring. i have never listened so intently to what other people were saying. but since i had experienced and understood their pain my heart was listening. i also noticed how people listen to me so intently. i remember sharing thoughts with my small group and even with a bunch of people i didn’t know too well. my small group and  seemingly random people listened to me intently. i looked around, i even saw some crying with me as well as listening with their hearts. that just meant so much. not only did they listen, but they cried, and some even shared some REALLY good real life advice. not only did i not feel so alone, but i had people to relate to. which i found significantly AMAZINNGGGG.

 yeah haha. that’s about it. it’s really condensed already. but there is just sooooo much more.

to God be the glory :)