i feel like the world is opening up. i don’t know how else to describe it. like those scenes, in movies where the heroine goes outside and the camera pans all around her. around the area then into the starry sky. its like that…kind of. now its like God takes me outside, brings a star down and says “here its for you.” it’s like the world is really opening up and i’m seeing everything for the first time. the world was so black for such a long time. i didn’t make this and that. and it was like God took those things away from me. to get my priorities straight for me to see what really mattered. but it felt like God took away one of my greatest joys. and the world was just so black and so dark. those moments of joy and light in my day weren’t there anymore. i had what i had going well taken away from me, because those things brought me joy, but they had no eternal value.  then fast forward through a few months, past the days i didn’t want to get out of bed, past the times i just wanted to cry, to beat, and to scream at God. why? why that? why this? what me? why now? but now thinking about it in retrospect, in those black nights, God was there. and now i feel like i’ve come the full circle.

God is truly faithful to those that love Him. after He completely decimated the carefully pieced image and agenda i built for myself,i felt like i truly had nothing left. the agenda i built up for myself piece by painstaking piece was all gone. it was one of those “oh what the hell” moments. where i realized i had nowhere to pour my efforts, my energy, my love into. there was only one thing left and that was God. so there were so many tiny steps. tiny steps of faith i took that really lead me outside. things are just so good, yet strange now. there were so many things i said in faith to people i never expected to say those things to, and now its like my relationships are at this strange new level. steps of completely disregarding what the world tells me to do to be successful. its so difficult to disregard things that set you up for your future, but to bear in faith knowing that God has your back if you do what He wills. i disregarded those things to do what i truly love and what God wants me to do. honestly, its so exciting, it gives life color. not knowing what’s coming up next or where i may end up in another year or so. with that,  new opportunities have opened up to me i would never have thought available. its truly remarkable, i never thought i would be able to do what i love again, but those stars have come in sight. only because God had to take away them for a time, just so He could bring them back down Himself just for me. and oh what a starry night it is.

i realize blogging is talking to yourself, and have the world watch.